Allyson’s Story

We had been trying for our second child an entire year when it finally happened. The pregnancy tests confirmed that we were officially pregnant. We were ecstatic and even more overjoyed when we found out the baby was a boy. We have our daughter and was so excited to add some blue to our lives! Our world was forever changed on November 13, 2020. It was Friday the 13th of all days! I didn’t feel my little boy moving and wanted to get checked out. I was trying not to worry, but I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. My husband was actually just leaving for a camping trip and I had my grandma watch our daughter since he was gone. The nurse couldn’t hear a heartbeat and sent me to the new life center at our local hospital. Because of how they were acting I didn’t think much of anything- I actually had hope especially when one nurse swore she could hear a heartbeat. I went ahead and called my husband and thank goodness because when the ultrasound confirmed there was no heartbeat at nearly 29 weeks pregnant I lost it. I mean absolutely had an out of body experience that makes me emotional to think back to. We stayed in the hospital and I delivered my stillborn baby three days later. He was perfect. I was crushed. Everything came back normal and we were given no answers as to what went wrong. The entire pregnancy went well. I have Graves’ disease, but this was monitored throughout and never caused a worry with the doctors. We were so confused by our loss. How in the world did this happen?! WHY did this happen? We struggled for a year to even conceive and then I carry all the way to the third trimester just to lose my precious baby!? It doesn’t make sense and I still struggle to make sense of this. Six months later and it’s still very hard, but I have come to believe it’s always going to be hard. 

I truly believe something like this isn’t suppose to make sense… and of course it’s hard. Us humans don’t know how to handle grief? How do we adequately help others when they are grieving? We are learning that grief takes “work”. We have to feel the pain to heal the pain. We go to therapy, we attended GriefShare, listen to podcasts, read books (Lysa Terkeurst has helped me the most), journal, walk, etc. We plan to attend a conference called “While We’re Waiting” in November which will be exactly one year when he passed. Purposely doing things to remember him, reaching out to others for advice, and being mindful of how we are doing/coping has been huge. Spouses grieve differently and we have to make a point to be there for each other while also taking care of ourselves! 

Our world stopped and everyone else’s moves on. Understanding this is huge as well because often those grieving have to extend grace to others who just don’t get it. We are doing good to keep one foot in front of the other, right? We take things one day at a time… you have to! How do I continue parenting my toddler when I have no baby here on earth with us? I have an empty nursery, toys, clothes, diapers, and all the things but not my baby and that’s the one thing that I need to make me feel whole again. 

After losing Drayke, we got different medical care, my thyroid looked great, and we were told to try again. We got pregnant six months after losing our boy. We were so hopeful, but had another loss at just five weeks along. (Interestingly enough, this was the same time last year we found out we were pregnant with Drayke. The due dates were a week apart). We are even more confused. How do we process this and keep moving forward?? All I know is that Gods people, prayers, and God himself is what keeps carrying us through. I know God can give us wisdom to deal with trials we face.. and none of us are exempt from struggles in life. God is always near, His love never changes, and His promises are always true. I have grown closer to the Lord through our trauma, and our marriage is stronger than ever. I miss my baby everyday, but I have hope for our future. I don’t exactly know what this future looks like. We are nervous and anxious, but feel like we are doing all we can. We plan to continue leaning in and putting our trust and faith in God.